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Saturday night at a party, I somehow ended up getting into a conversation with some new acquaintances (and an old friend or two) about the video embedded here. If you're somewhere where you can watch it, do – but you may want to skip the first two and a half minutes or so. If you're not able to watch the video, it's called "Text Message Breakup," and for all its ridiculous conceits, it does express an important sentiment: don't do it.
As we laughed about the video—and Margaret Cho's cameo in it—one of my new acquaintances said to me: "I got dumped over text message before. Now he sometimes text messages me to hook up."
"You say no, I hope?"
"I just ignore him."
As well she should. Not only is he rather guileless in his booty call approach, but also, he wasn't exactly classy in his breaking-up methods. Because, like the video says, "You Can't Text Message Breakup!"
In fact, whenever possible, a romantic relationship should be ended face-to-face. Why whenever possible? Well, because sometimes, it simply isn't. Say your soon-to-be-former beloved is currently on another coast – or another continent. Unless you've got the money for a last-minute flight or your own Learjet, it may be a little difficult to end things face-to-face without quite a bit of advanced planning. (And who wants to fly all that distance only to break a heart and turn around and leave?) In the event that an in-person breakup is a logistical impossibility—and only in that event—an absentee is acceptable. But at least have the decency to do it on the phone. By calling, not texting.
But if your soured sweetie is nearby (less than a day's travel time by car or train), the only way to do things right is in person. After the jump, a few guidelines for making a clean break of things.
Keep Your Mouth Shut
The sitcom situation goes like this: you tell a mutual friend that you're planning on breaking up with your s/o and then something changes and you decide not to go through with it. Unfortunately, before you can tell your friend that you're still very much one half of a couple, your friend runs into your still-significant other and expresses sympathy or says: "It doesn't mean we can't still be friends." Then, naturally, you're the one who gets dumped. As far-fetched as this situation may seem, I know people to whom something similar has happened. So if you're planning on ending things, and you absolutely have to tell someone before you do, you might want to confide in your psychologist, your mother, or your priest. Or anyone, really, except for someone who is also friendly with your maybe-ex.
Fair Warning
You don't have to announce to your almost-ex that you want to meet up to breakup, but you do need to let him or her know that the two of you need to have a serious chat. Hopefully, s/he will also know that something is amiss in your relationship, and won't think your serious talk means you want to take things to the next level.
Location, Location, Location
So, you think that spurning your lover in a public place means avoiding a scene? You're probably wrong. Unless you like having attention drawn to you because your dining companion is screaming or crying, it's probably best if you do the breaking-up in the privacy of your own home – or better yet, in the privacy of the to-be-dumped's home. Breaking up at his or her place rather than at your own means s/he won't have a long, tearful, and potentially dangerous journey home: just because you don't want to be together anymore doesn't mean you want to put your now-ex in any danger.
Don't Be Cruel
You're breaking a heart. That should be enough. You don't need to add insult to injury by using this as an opportunity to enumerate all of the wrongs that have been done to you during your relationship, or all of the reasons you're ending things. "You're ugly/fat/lazy/bad in bed" has no place in this conversation if you're the one doing the dumping – but don't be surprised if you get it from the dumped.
Sex Is Not Healing
Your now-ex is in a very vulnerable place and may even try to seduce you. The kind of backward logic of the dumped is that if the sex is good enough, you might reconsider the dumping. As tempting as it may be to slide between the sheets one last time, you need to leave at this point. Otherwise, you're just giving your ex a false sense of hope. (There's nothing wrong with post-breakup hook-ups, but you need to make sure the reality of the separation has settled in before you get back in bed with your ex.)
False Sense of Security
If this is it, and you're absolutely sure that there's no hope of reconciliation, don't tell your ex that there is. You might be making him or her feel better during the break-up, but it will actually make getting over you take longer. Also, it might promote stalking.
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