Monday Manners: Rules of the Grill

Ah, Fourth of July! It's time for parades, fireworks, and barbecues. Lots of barbecues. But surprisingly, barbecues, those gatherings amongst friends and family which serve no purpose other than to feed and, perhaps, inebriate one's nearest and dearest, can be a hotbed of rudeness – and around a hot grill, rudeness can equate to a certain degree of danger. Following are tips for having a polite and safe Fourth of July barbecue, whether you're grilling or eating.

Grill Masters and Mistresses

• To begin with: when you're lighting the grill, don't show off. Don't douse the coals with lighter fluid and then toss a match in – let the coals absorb the lighter fluid first. Why? Because showing off the size of your grill flames makes you look like an asshole. But not as big of an asshole as you'll look like without eyebrows – not an unlikely prospect if you're trying to turn your grill into an inferno.
• Never, ever, leave your station. Okay, well maybe you can leave your station long enough to get a beer and a handful of potato chips. But when you're grilling, it's pretty amazing how quickly your perfectly charred hot dogs can turn into shriveled links of beef jerky. If you want to mingle with people, invite them to come hang out with you – so long as you're in view of the grill. It's pretty rude to serve your guests carbon on a bun. Unless it's highly compressed carbon that, when polished, yields diamonds. Because that would actually be pretty cool.
• Keep your guests in mind. Have some vegetarians at the party? Keep the veggie burgers and the animal products on different parts of the grill, and use different spatulas to flip them. Great Uncle Harry only likes his burgers burned to a crisp, but Great Aunt Sue likes 'em rare? Keep one on the grill extra long for him, and take one off the grill early for her. This is harder to do when you're hosting a large barbecue, of course, but your efforts will not go unnoticed.

Grill Guests

• Do not distract the Grill Master. Just as the Grill Master shouldn't be away from his domain too long, nor should you distract him from it. Need to talk to him? Walk over there. Bring him a beer. He's the one standing over fire cooking your food – doesn't he deserve a cold one?
• Quit horsing around. Barbecues are fun. They're a lot of fun. A perfect opportunity to play football with your buddies, to play fetch with the dogs, and for the little ones to play tag. That's all well and good. But do not, whatever you do, get anywhere near the grilling area while doing said activities. It's incredibly dangerous. It's also distracting to the Grill Master, which, as noted above, is quite rude.
• Don't be selfish. Stephen Colbert covered this in a rather humorous way last month (we can't find a link to the video, but if you know where it is, please leave a comment!), but don't go through the line more than once if you know that there are some people who still haven't had a first go-around in the grill line. The carnivores amongst us are usually pretty repulsed by veggie burgers, so try not to force them on your meat-eating friends by hogging the beef.
• No really, don't be selfish. Say you absolutely love tomatoes. You can't fathom eating a hamburger without them. You get your burger, head on over to the table where all the condiments are, and see that no tomatoes remain. Sucks, don't it? Now imagine putting someone else in that situation. It's not very nice, right? So remember that there are other people at the barbecue than you, and don't pile your burger high with things that other people may want. Four slices of tomato don't really taste all that differently from two, anyway.

There you have it, folks. Have a great Fourth of July, and stay safe – whether you're at the grill or lighting your own fireworks!

Image via Flickr user kellypuffs.