Despite the fact that Transformers is a film based on a cartoon, which itself was based on a story that a marketing company came up with to sell a line of toys, and despite the fact that it was directed by Michael Bay (a piece of news which, when it first came out, caused thousands of nerds to cry out in terror, and then become suddenly silent... before running to the internet to voice their displeasure), I was pretty excited about it. I tried to temper my excitement, though, to avoid a let-down. I tried to tell myself that I shouldn't expect something really intelligent or moving. I tried to tell myself that it would be a big, dumb summer blockbuster, and would therefore be all about action, with very little character development and probably not a lot of good dialogue, and that I should embrace that - that I should go in expecting that. Anyway, there would be tons of action, plenty of giant robots hitting each other, and lots of incredible visual effects, and that would be enough to make a really entertaining movie.

But as it turns out, the film is not 80-90% awesome action and 10-20% wince-worthy crap, as I had hoped; in fact, that ratio is reversed. Transformers, with a bloated running time of 2 hours and 24 minutes, feels about 4 hours long, and is packed full of embarrassing, puerile, childish comedy; idiotic characters so stereotypical that its offensive; agonizing, cornball dialogue; and, worst of all, not really all that much actual action. The robots seem to spend more time wandering about, cracking awful slang-filled jokes (it's like listening to your grandma try to rap, if your grandma was a giant transforming robot), trying to avoid being seen by the main character's parents, and getting peed on by little dogs, than they do fighting each other. Most of the Decepticons, including Megatron himself, don't even get introduced until the movie is almost over. The Autobots, meanwhile, include in their ranks what appeared to myself and my companion to be an awful stereotype of an African American (sort of like a robotic Jar Jar) in the form of Jazz, the robot who transforms via breakdancing, and then spouts some ridiculous slang before going mercifully silent for most of the rest of the film. One of the more likable Transformers is thankfully the one you see the most of: Bumblebee. Unfortunately, the only reason he is the most likable is because for the great majority of the film he can't talk. And he actually gets a lot less likable after the disturbing scene in which he pops a cap off his crotch and pees on a guy. Okay, it's explained away as some kind of lubricating fluid, but he's obviously supposed to be peeing. And yes, that was yet another pee joke.

Here's a tip for helping you enjoy this movie more, in case for some reason you still feel the need to go see it: whenever you see someone open his/her/its mouth as if he/she/it is about to talk, simply cover your ears and hum the original Transformers theme song to yourself. And whenever John Turturro comes on the screen, you might also want to close your eyes. If I had never seen Turturro in another film before, I'd be convinced he's a terrible actor. He mugs and overacts his way through this entire movie. Jon Voight, who plays the United States Defense Secretary, is little better, as he for some reason says all of his lines with a ridiculous accent.

(More of the horrible truth about Transformers after the jump...)

But let me back up for a moment and get you acquainted with the story. We begin in a desert, and are quickly introduced to your typical squad of US Army types (the foreign-language-speaking guy, the black guy, the nice young guy who just wants to get back to his nice new wife and child, etc.) right before their base is attacked by an evil transforming robot, who then hacks into their computer system, apparently looking for some specific bit of information, which it fails to find before the hardline is cut. Meanwhile, in America, main character Sam Witwicky is busy being your typical down-on-his luck unpopular high school dork, desperate to get a car so he can win the attention and affection of the class hotty, and girlfriend of jocks, Mikaela Banes, played by Megan Fox, who is, indeed, quite hot (which is nice, as it will give you something to look at while you've got your hands over your ears, busy not listening to the dialogue). The car he ends up with, as he eventually learns after various, painfully drawn out, wacky misadventures, is another of those giant transforming robots, but this one is part of another faction intent on protecting humanity - the Autobots. Both factions are looking for an all-powerful, life-giving cube that they know landed on Earth, and for reasons that make very little sense, Witwicky just happens to have an artifact that has the map to the cube imprinted on it, so all the robots end up coming after him.

There are plenty more secondary and tertiary characters in the movie, like the hot Australian analyst who somehow smuggles top secret data out of a top secret government facility so she can show it to the greatest hacker on Earth, who happens to live around the corner and is, of course, a fat young virginal man who plays video games. If you're expecting any realism from the use of technology in the film, forget it; the hacker begins his attempt to wire up a modern computer to an ancient, spider web-encrusted radio system by starting to fiddle with the computer's monitor. Another glaringly unrealistic and inexplicable moment comes near the end of the film. Witwicky is for some reason running, alone (none of the many army guys he was with came with him, and none of them thought to give him a weapon of any kind) with the all-important cube to the top of a building in the middle of a city so he can light a flare and be picked up by army guys in a helicopter (despite the fact that many of the Decepticons can fly, and this would obviously make him an easy target). The building he has to get to the top of apparently has no working elevator, so he begins climbing the stairs. Of a skyscraper. While being chased by a gigantic, lightning fast, murderous robot. And, thanks to the editor, he beats the robot to the top of the building.

Um, what?

Okay, I'll admit it, there are a lot of impressive visual effects in the movie. The Transformers are pretty damn amazing, and there's one particular action sequence with a dude jumping off a motorcycle at high speeds and shooting a Transformer in the crotch that just totally freaking rocks. But despite all that, about three quarters of the way through this film, I realized that I'd much rather be watching the original, animated Transformers: The Movie. Or really, any other movie that John Turturro has ever been in. And that, to me, means your movie is a big fat failure.

Image via MovieWeb