Paul Mecurio Tells Us How It Hangs

UPDATE: Digg this, please!

Instead of saying hello, we like to ask people how it's hanging. We've decided that when we meet the guy who answers by referring to the exact position of his junk, we'll have met the man for us. But comedian Paul Mecurio is already married, so we'll have to settle for checking out his show this weekend at the Tower.

The stand-up artist (and former Daily Show writer) riffs on everything from stereotypes to over-age breastfeeding. He makes us laugh, but don't take our word for it. See for yourself.

We interviewed Mecurio earlier this week, and got him to tell us all of his deepest, darkest secrets. You know, things like whether it's better to dirty sanchez someone or to hit them with the blumpkin (and if that makes no sense to you, get your urban dictionary on). In turn, he commented on our horniness. Which is apparently obvious by question three.

How's it hanging? (We ask this question in the vain hope that someone will reply short, shriveled, and to the left.)
Long, smooth and dead center! What are you doing later?

We're excited to welcome you to Philadelphia. What are some things you love about our city?
Philadelphia has the best traffic lights in the US, clear and crisp. That and your bus stops smell of pickled cabbage.

It must have taken a huge leap of faith to jump from the security of a job on Wall Street to the uncertainty of life as a comedian. How did you stick with it? And would you compare your balls to walnuts or watermelons?
I was drunk in a bar and did it as a bet. Was that so wrong? Really, it was a leap of faith, although some might call it complete insanity. I really enjoy doing stand-up as opposed to law and investment banking on Wall Street. There is nothing like connecting with an audience. But to be honest, I did it to give my mother a heart attack and it worked!

Oh and my balls? I'd say beer nuts, slightly oblong and salty, definitely salty. Can I add, with the penis and balls questions, for a blog, you're pretty horny.

We checked your Myspace page. You look great for 100 years old. With 10801 friends, are you a Myspace whore?
Of course I am. My real goal is to meet "Tom." Does he really exist? The more friends I have the more validation I get. And I am actually a whore – you should see how my pimp beats me. As far as the 100 years go, I have been taking human growth hormones since the age of two.

Which city are you in now, and why does Philly kick that city's ass?
I'm in Colorado Springs doing a show. Philly kicks ass because in CO, they don't have electricity and people eat their young.

It's an hour before you take the stage at the Tower Theatre. What are you doing?
Pilates and writing in my courage journal. Oh and turning tricks for extra cash.

What is your motivation for making people laugh?
My mother did not hug me enough. Two more hugs and you'd never know me as a comedian. That and I believe laughter is the most healing drug there is… Oh, who am I kidding? I do it to get a TV show. Really, I do it because it's cool to write a joke and have people respond to it. The feeling is indescribable.

Just a few personal questions. Do you prefer:
Cider or beer?
Beer, but only after I've had some hot cider and told some scary stories around the camp fire.
Dirty Sanchez or blumpkin?
Given the immigration problems in this country and my support for illegal aliens I'd say Dirty Sanchez.
Jesus or Buddha?
I worship a combo of the two known as Jeddha. He's not as ripped as Jesus but he still has the long hair and forlorn look. Have you seen him?
Nirvana or The Pixies?
Definitely Nirvana. I plan on buying some of Kurt Cobain's stuff once Courtney has her big auction.

Paul Mecurio and Brian Regan
Saturday, June 9th at 8 p.m.
Tower Theater
69th and Ludlow Streets, Upper Darby, PA
(610) 352-2887
Tickets start at $30