Monday Manners: Bootylicious

Drinking and Dialing/Typing
Drunken booty calls, received from someone you've never hooked up with, nor had any intention of hooking up with, are annoying enough on weekends. My friend, however, received this booty call on a Tuesday night. Everyone knows how difficult it is to be drunk and horny, with only your right hand to keep you company. But a booty call is still something you have to consider carefully. Think about who you're talking to. Have you even so much as made out before? Flirted? No? Then you might want to, I don't know, make sure that there's some interest there before you make that call. WARNING: that may mean hanging out with that person once or twice before hooking up with him or her. Life is hard, I know. You also have to consider that, the less you know the person you're calling, the more the timing matters. I know that there are very few things that would make me brave the cold and sleep loss on a week night, especially if you're expecting me to travel across town, which Mr. Clueless was hoping my friend would do. But when the weather's nicer, and I don't have to be anywhere first thing in the morning, I find I'm much more amenable to leaving my apartment, even if it's just for a late beer. Unless you look like Jude Law (Talented Mr. Ripley Jude Law, not Road to Perdition Jude Law) and genuinely know where the G-Spot is, you simply should not be making a booty call on a Tuesday night in the dead of winter.

It's Not the Size of the Ship...
All right, that's a lie. Anyone who's ever watched Coupling knows that's a lie. But "I'm hung like a horse" isn't usually a mating call that's going to make your new prospective bedmate come running. Best to just leave You-Junior out of the equation, unless you know for a fact that she's a total nympho who will come running whenever a tripod calls. And in that case, you'd better not be lying.

Alcohol Is NOT an Aphrodisiac
While you're feeling confident and sexy when you're drunk, the truth is you're probably acting like a damn fool. Which is fine when you're around other drunken fools. Less fine when you're calling someone who is completely sober and possibly already asleep. Think back to the last time you were sober around a drunken friend. Did that friend do anything you considered sexy? Probably not. Add to the un-sexy of drunkenness the fact that having alcohol in your system can affect your sexual stamina and/or performance—in an even more un-sexy way, and you've got another reason to think and dial, rather than drink and dial.

Toys Are For Boys
Clearly, I don't mean this kind of toy—although, boys, if you're into those, more power to you! I'm referring, instead, to the attempt at getting my friend into bed with the lure of a PS3. It's not that girls can't be into game systems. It's just that playing Madden isn't really a substitute for foreplay, at least as far as most women are concerned. That would be like a girl trying to lure you over with her new Bridget Jones boxed set. These are things that aren't exclusively enjoyed by members of the opposite sex, but probably aren't included in their short lists of "things that will get me into bed." If your potential conquest is a gaming/football fan who really likes to celebrate a big win, by all means, mention your PlayStation. Otherwise, I'm afraid you're going to have to come up with something better.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
One of the things that my friend mentioned to me, later in our conversation, was how annoyed she was that she'd been offered cab fare. "What am I," she'd asked me, "a prostitute?" Yes, he should have paid for the cab, but using that as enticement does kind of seem like a fee-for-services-rendered. If you're expecting someone to travel to you, via taxi, late at night and for a booty call, tell her to phone you when she's around the corner. Then go out and meet her at the taxi, and pay the driver before she has a chance. Unless she tells you ahead of time that she doesn't have cash/refuses to pay for the cab, you definitely shouldn't even mention money. Unless you found your booty call in the back of CityPaper or Philadelphia Weekly. In that case, you should just make sure you have time to hit an ATM before she arrives.