I’m going through some shit right now and don’t want to talk about it. In such a situation, I would normally feel like I had to act like I was okay so as not to worry my friends, family, coworkers, etc. My wifey knows this. So she told me that if anyone tried to make me feel like I had to do that, I was allowed to brick them.

I need to issue a couple of explanations. First of all, my wifey is a dear friend who knows me better than I know myself. She can interpret my sneezes, typing patterns, music selections, etc., into what I’m actually thinking. Hell, she can just walk down the street, take a deep breath, and the next thing I know, she’s on the phone going “WHY DIDN’T YOU SCHEDULE THAT MEETING YET?!” The only reason this doesn’t scare the shit out of me is that I can do the same thing to her. As a result, two years ago, a teacher told us we bickered like an old married couple and we started calling each other “Wifey.” Or “Wifella,” or, recently, “Wifles.” (Well, I say that. I think she just thinks I’ve officially lost my mind.) I digress. She’s my wifey and that means she gets to make various decrees about my life.

Other explanation: bricking. Quite literally, we’re talking about smashing someone in the face with a brick. Gruesome, yes, but if my wifey is telling me to do this, you better believe it’s with good reason.

Now, you may be wondering what exactly would get you bricked. This is a wise question to ask, and the answers are many, but here’s brief overview of commonly committed brickable offenses. If you:

1. Say “Ooooh, something must be wrong, you can tell me” when I say “I don’t want to talk about it,” BRICK.
2. Utter the words “That’s almost as bad as the time I…,” BRICK.
3. Look at me like I’m a five year old with a nasty case of chicken pox and say “What do you need me to do for you?” Hmm, now that I think about it, I need you to catch this here BRICK.
4. Following up on 3, if you feel compelled to remind me you’re “just trying to be there for me,” yet act like you’re doing me a big favor, well then, BIG BRICK.

It is also entirely possible that if you exhibit enough just-shy-of-brickworthy behavior in my presence, you’re still gonna get it. This especially applies to any men misbehaving in my store (so far, my female customers have been relatively obedient this week). Don’t yell at me for what we’re out of stock on and kindly refrain from trying to impress me with stories of how you got so drunk at an after-hours spot on Saturday that you lost your credit card. I don’t care, and winking at me while you tell me this just makes me want to throw things at you. Like bricks.

And if you don’t believe me, or if my brick misses you, my wifey will throw down. Because she loves me. And she’s stronger than you.

Image cropped from original.