Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Oh no! Chanukah ends tonight, and Christmas is only a few days away! What's a last-minute-gifter to do?

Never fear, Phillyist is here, with a couple of ideas, just for you!

(Please note, that rhyme was completely and one hundred percent accidental.)

For the Man in Uniform
Silly String. Unlike the rest of this post, we're suggesting this gift in earnest. We always knew Silly String was fun, but if it can save a life, then it's even better.

For the Poseur or Coward
Tattoo sleeves. Because fitting in in NoLibs can be so hard.

For the Prudent Investor
One lunar acre. Or, you know, some swamp land in Florida.

For the Short Attention-Spanned
Shiny. Shiny mouse. Shiny purse. Shiny binoculars. Shiny... exercise equipment? Hell—find the Be-Dazzler and rhinestone the dog.

For the, err, Social Drinker
A personal breathalyzer. Because when you're drunk, you still act responsibly, right?

For Your Bachelor Friend
Condoms, apparently. Lots of condoms.

For Your IT Guy
A gift certificate for cortisone injections. It's more painful than Botox, but you'll still be able to frown.

For the Peace Corps Volunteer
Circumcision. We know for a fact that there's no rule saying you can't date the residents of the country in which you're volunteering.

For the Nature Goddess
A corn-shaped vibrator. Because hippie chicks need orgasms, too.

For Your Paranoid Uncle, the Conspiracy Theorist
Shredder Hand. This way, even if the government raids his compound and cuts his power, he can still destroy those important papers that he doesn't want them to see.

For That Guy You Dated Who Tried to Blame It on Shrinkage
Willy Warmers. Because now you'll at least know if he's seen too many Seinfeld episodes.

For the "Penn Guy"
A striped shirt. And the number of a good bail bondsman.

For Your Aquatic Mammals
The phone number for the World's Tallest Man. You know. Just in case.

For the TSA
Baby-safe X-Ray machines. Obviously.

For the Seasoned Traveller
Space travel. And the opportunity to be among the first to join the "Sixty-Three Mile-High Club."

For Your Lonely Friend
Anything on this (VERY NSFW) page.

For the Outdoor Xtreme Winter Sportsman
The Ktrak. Note: manufacturers of the Ktrak probably are not sue-able if said recipient falls over the handlebars while trying the Ktrak out in the Poconos.

For the Masochist
Talking Ann Coulter Action Figure. We can't think of a better way to self-inflict pain.

Even less SFW version of the video, after the jump. Yeah, we know we already featured it in Whiz, but, hell, it's worth it!