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Playlist Rewind: Shonen Knife at Johnny Brenda's
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Where Have All Our T-Shirts Gone?
I Have a Baby and Ten Dollars...Now What?
We here at Phillyist love the holiday season as much as the next person. It always brings fond memories of great home cooked food, warm fireplaces and those wonderful family get-togethers where something always gets broken, someone always falls asleep really early, and someone else takes WAY too many pictures (Mom...).
And while those things are what family and celebration are all about, this article delves into the more sordid and shady world of government sponsored holiday espionage.
[Note: If you take this rant too seriously, you'll miss the point.]
There he is. The man with the plan. Big Red himself. El Capitan De La, um, Presents. For centuries he has delighted the hearts and minds of children around the globe. He has brought us Barbie and GI Joe, Teddy Ruxpin and Nintendo, EasyBake Ovens and Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. He has shown millions, nay, billions, the power of generosity (not to be confused with the well-advertised "power of cheese").
This, however, is not enough for the US Government. In this age of ultra-surveillance and institutionalized paranoia, not even the the good Sir Kringle escapes the watchful eye of homeland defense forces. The culprit: The North American Aerospace Defense Command. Better known as NORAD, this massive radar installation was built in the 1950s, mostly to monitor the uncertain skies of the Cold War. These days it serves primarily to maintain safe airspace in times of peace. But, according to NORADSanta.Org, a misprinted phone number, meant to connect children to Sears Roebuck & Co, actually sent them to NORAD predecessor, CONAD (sounds like 'gonad' if you ask me).
This apparently alerted the US Government to the unlicensed pilot that was zipping about in all sorts of restricted airspace with who knows what sort of advanced propulsion system. Ever since, they have used a combination of phone calls like the first ones five decades ago and their cutting edge radar technology to keep Big Brother's eye firmly fixed upon Sleigher (any metal fans?).
Now that the hard-boiled reporting is out of the way (how, exactly, did I manage to get BA in English without taking a journalism course?), on to the editorial...
(Hint: To paraphrase Jim Morrison: "Click on through to the other side.")
Santa should have free reign among the skies of Earth. I mean, he is a SAINT (Strategic Air Intercept Nuclear Transit...see, US Governent, I can make anything into an acronym, too!). It is my firmly held belief that if Santa's every move was not monitored by at least one tech-savvy national government, he might be open to some new Christmas traditions.
1) For example, we might suggest to him that he set up a base on the moon. After all, the population density of the moon has been fairly flat since the '60s. Maybe he could set up a big bright "HAPPY HOLIDAYS" or "SEASONS GREETINGS". That would warm the hearts of millions while also maintaining a tolerable and global level of political correctness.
2) If Santa had the option to choose to be surveilled (yes, I am aware that 'surveilled' is not currently an accepted English word, but I propose a petition to pester politicians as politely as possible positing a plethora of people-powered partnerships, um, mostly concerning adding words to our language), anyway, if he had the option maybe he would consider some sort of reality TV show, or even something dramatic and written boldly but blindly with no sense of plot, a la Lost. It could be called Sleighed. Or in the style of a workplace sit-com. That would be interesting. The ad copy might read a little something like this:
FROM THE PEOPLE THAT BROUGHT YOU CHRISTMAS, GOT AWAY WITH ENSLAVING AN ENTIRE VILLAGE OF ELVES FOR SWEATSHOP TOY MANUFACTURING LABOR AND FINALLY MADE RED VELVET COOL AGAIN...SANTA CLAUSE STARS IN...
JUST SLEIGH ME
I know, a bit triumphant for a sit-com, but come on: It's Santa!
3) Okay. Last idea. An HBO special (or has Showtime completely overtaken HBOs ability to produce quality original television?) that dramatizes the memoirs of Santa as he patrols the streets of Philadelphia fighting the recent surge in gun violence. Maybe it would be called Crime and Punishment: The Santa File. But Santa doesn't like firearms, so he would be armed with a stun gun and a bad attitude toward the seedy underbelly of the city.
I am wide open to any reader-spawned ideas for Santa's liberated 21st century comeback. I am also available for television or movie deals.
At least until I get another job.
So, Merry Holidays and Happy Greetings to everyone!
P.S. As a thanks to all those who for some reason read this article all the way through, here is a link to the best page on NORADSanta.Org's web severs: The "Celebrities" of NORADSanta.Org.
Image courtesy this site. And NORAD info courtesy Wikipedia.
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Too many pictures? No such thing! XO
Wow great article , I love it ... Sounds like a movie or book in there somewhere to me ... Now that you have slammed the Govt. " WATCH " your backkkkkkkkk " BIG BROTHER " is always watching hahahahahha .... Keep up the good work ..
Ps. Call your dad once in awhile & get your BUTT home for Christmass ...!!!!!
I think Santa is just Canada's way of testing and probing our defense network looking for a chink in our armor in preparation for their secret assault.
Those Canadians have never gotten over that despite sharing the same continent we get to be "Americans" and they are stuck with "Canadians."
Power of generousity compared with the power of cheese? Mocking the United States government's use of acronyms? Proposing a petition to get politicians to take up the vital issue of making surveilled a word? Santa with a stun gun and a bad attitude? The words of a deranged blogger.
No, I think they are the words of a promising writer who is stretching his legs on one of the first of many literary laps toward a distinguised career in the communication arts.
Jack