Monday Manners: Let's Talk Turkey

By the time three o’clock rolled around, in fact, all but two of the invited couples had arrived. One phoned to say that they were off to a late start (they have a one-year-old; it happens) and did, in fact, hit holiday traffic. The others were the brother and sister-in-law of one of the early arrivals, who was asked why they didn’t all come together. “Oh,” he said, “they thought three o’clock meant three o’clock and that you wouldn’t appreciate them arriving early.” Well, duh. The missing couple, twin toddlers in tow, arrived at three on the nose, as if they’d been sitting in their car waiting for the clock on the dash to change. They were the host and hostess’s favorite guests of the evening.

The second breach committed by multiple members of my family is possibly an even bigger one: don’t bring anything to the dinner party that will make your hostess do any extra work. Some of the guests arrived with a very lovely bouquet of lilies. Unfortunately, the lilies were not in a vase and the hostess had to take time away from her meal to find a vase, trim the stems, and arrange the flowers. Not only that, lilies have a very pungent aroma, and asking them to be laid out where the food is being served is also asking the hostess to voluntarily interfere with her guests’ olfactory senses. When I went up to get my turkey, it was hard for me to smell, or, at first, taste, anything but the flowers (someone else had brought beautiful, but strongly scented, roses—these, at least, arrived in a vase).

But flowers are hardly any work at all, when compared with bringing extra, and unexpected, dishes. This meal was not, by any means, a potluck, but some guests had been asked ahead of time, or at least had asked the hostess ahead of time, to bring a side dish or dessert. Those guests obliged readily. Unfortunately, other dishes materialized that were unplanned for. Prior to a big dinner party, many hostesses will pull out platters, trays, and serving utensils according to what they expect to need. Bringing extra food means forcing your hostess to go back into the china cabinet or silver chest, again interrupting his or her workflow, and putting the turkey very much at risk of drying out, or even catching fire (mercifully, not a problem this time). Things only got worse, as one particular guest kept asking why his extra aperitif hadn’t been brought out yet. As a rule, one shouldn’t inconvenience his hostess and then add nagging to the list of grievances she can hold against him.

So, before the rest of the holidays—and holiday dinner parties—sneak up on you, I’d like to try to prevent you from making any of these mistakes by suggesting ways to curb bad holiday behavior.

• Don’t show up early and unannounced for dinner. Do call a few days ahead and ask if the hostess might need any help the day of the meal. Offer to pick up an extra crudités or bag of ice, or even volunteer to come babysit. Don’t just show up.
• Along the same lines, don’t try to get too early of a start to beat the traffic. Do check the traffic report periodically throughout the day and be prepared to leave earlier than originally planned if it looks like traffic will be heavy. If you leave early and end up arriving early, be prepared to drive around the block a few times, or even take a nice long stroll. Most hostesses would rather you be a little late (as long as you call ahead to warn them), than that you arrive too early. Keep that in mind, and plan accordingly.
• Don’t bring your hostess a gift that will create more work. Do bring your hostess a small token to show your appreciation for the dinner invite. A flower arrangement in a vase is completely appropriate. Uncut, unarranged flowers wrapped in tissue probably aren’t, nor are flowers whose odor will overpower the meal. Remember: the longer the hostess spends fussing over your gifts, the longer it’s going to take for the food to get on the table.
• Don’t bring unexpected additions to the menu. Do find out what’s being served (at Thanksgiving, this is especially easy) and pick up a bottle of wine or two that will compliment some part of the meal. This will make everyone happy, especially the people who have to wait longer to eat because of aforementioned decorous breaches.

None of the above is meant to insult my family, whom I love and care about very much, and who helped to make this one of the best Thanksgivings I can recall. I just want others to learn from their mistakes and be the best holidays guests they can be. Keep all this in mind for Chanukah, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve, and trust me, your hostesses will thank you.