Phillyist: Elevating My Frustration

Uncle Mike

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 23:34:00 -0500

Automobiles and elevators; today the right of way for both is more about Newton's Second Law of of Motion than it is about etiquette. F=ma (Force = mass x acceleration) The elevator analogue is F = mass x assertiveness. So bulk up, project authority, and engage those elevator kamikazes. What caught my attention was your first sentence. "...I walked to work in the rain, sans umbrella...". No, I have no concern for your health. Nor I am troubled about soggy apparel and a less than business like appearance. What peaked my attention was the use of a four letter word - sans. Apparently I have been meandering through life sans sans. Has DHS struck again? I have used the type font Sans Serif. Never before did I consider the name, but now I realize it means without-Serif. Oh God, what is Serif? Damn you Joe.

nick

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 22:36:06 -0500

hit the door close button and your floor # at the same time and it should skip all other floors and go right to yours (in theory)

Mark

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 09:09:03 -0500

As I mentioned to someone special to you (Mom), perhaps a book deal might be appropriate for elevator folk lore and annoyances. Great piece.

Mrs. Tursi

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 16:22:33 -0500

You wrote a great article Joe. What you said is so true, not only in the elevator, but it also happens in many other places. Unfortunately everyone is trying to get where they are going in a hurry. I think we all need to slow down a little, and take in whats going on around us. Great job Joe, keep up the good work.

Ed

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 15:45:38 -0500

Well, I guess the only remaining option is to emit a tachyon beam through the elevator's main deflector array. We could then alter the local time space fabric to delay the single floor traveller as if they were a multi-floor traveller.

Jill

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 15:15:10 -0500

Afraid that won't work, either. You need a prox card to get to every floor in my building (except the lobby). Your prox card only allows you to your floor.

Ed

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 13:15:47 -0500

I think people should be required to display a "state-issued handicapped elevator placard" for riding between one floor only. For people like Jill whose building is poorly engineered, the problem is easily solved. Patrons will simply have to ride the elevator from the 1st floor to the 15th floor and disembark. They can then summon another elevator and legally ride the elevator from the 15th to the 2nd floor.

Ed

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 13:10:49 -0500

I believe that law of the jungle applies and that you must appear to make yourself look bigger and more threatening to vanquish these monsters. So next time an E-bully comes at you, start flapping your arms wildly and "SQUAWK! SQUAWK!" loudly. This will undoubtedly frighten this wild beastie off to the netherworlds from which it came.

Jill

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 12:53:59 -0500

Per the under-three flights thing: Yes. I completely agree with you. Unfortunately, in my office building, the stairs are for emergencies only, and you can't get TO them. I hate when people take the elevator to the second, but I can't fault them for the architecture.

Brandon

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 11:06:54 -0500

A good way to avoid this situation is to bend over (as if tying your shoe) so when the culprit rears their ugly head, they'll be going face-first into your rear. the downside is you have to stay bent over the entire elevator ride. +2 if you have gas.

pasha

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 09:53:16 -0500

Some simple workplace elevator equitette: Stand to the side while waiting for the elevator. When the doors open, wait a few seconds for those who are on to get off, then proceed to enter. No talking on cell phones in the car. It's rude and no one wants to hear about your sexual escapades from the night before or that the merger is going south. Politely move your way to the front of a crowded car before your floor. Exit quickly and never, ever hold the door so you can continue a conversation. Finally, if you are going up or down less than three flights, take the damn stairs unless you are carrying a significant load.

Uncle J.

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 09:43:22 -0500

I am familiar with this "elevator bull(y)" if you will. There is one in my building who I've been able to tame by expelling a "silent but deadly" rectal expulsion before I exit the car. The e-bull now enters the car more cautiously, if at all. Good job and good luck. Uncle J

Pat I

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 07:53:37 -0500

Great job Joe, and so true!!!

Shelly Sue Joe Sue

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 22:39:26 -0500

Mr. Ross, I happen to be the portly woman of 35-40 years that you speak of. Let me set one thing straight. First I am not portly, I prefer pleasantly plump, and am the model you usually see in the "before" picture shown in the excercise machine or diet fad ads. Furthermore, I am not 35-40 but 29. Those were not age lines on my face which gave the appearance of an older woman, but ripples, or folds. They are everywhere. I am truly sorry for being a "kamakazie", but you took my gesture in the wrong way. I was mearly trying to keep you on the elevator to get to know you. You were sooooo cute. I didn't realize that the look you gave me was a dumb one. Actually, I thought you were flirting with me. Didn't you notice my smile? Or were you just looking at my tooth. Anyway, I meet most of my men in the manner I tried to meet you. Didn't you notice my aroma when I made the noise in the corner of the elevator? I guess you just thought it was the sound of a frog. I guess my charms just didn't work this time. Well, as Shakespeare said, or whoever it was, tis better to have lusted and lost than to never have lusted at all. If you would like a second chance at this mama, my name is Jenny and you know my number... 867-5309

Joe

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 21:40:19 -0500

Excellent article my son , I can see that college education in all it's glory..Very interesting subject matter I must admit ..Your gift has made me feel as though I am standing there next to you being run over as well.Keep up the good work and why not take the "stairs " once in awhile ?

Mrs. Kline

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 21:22:47 -0500

Great job Joe! Keep it coming!

Mimi Paolin

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 21:06:55 -0500

Great article. Look forward to many more. Mimi

Cheryl

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 20:27:07 -0500

The running of the bulls is an annual event in Spain but the barging of the elevator doors is a daily happening in our world. I say this not because the author is my son (Hi Joe!) but because I too have been on the wrong side of the elevator doors. So, let's all rise up and work on our OTIS (elevator maker) manners! Here! Here!