Return to Sender: Give Yourself a Hand (Just Not While Driving)

To the taxi driver who took me from my office in Center City to a meeting across the Schuylkill last Friday:

I know what you were doing.

At first I thought that you were just mindlessly agreeing with whoever you listened to. "Yes... Yes... Yes... Yes..." But no matter how boring the person on the other end of the line is, there's no way that that should continue from 16th and JFK to 30th Street Station. You should at least mix it up with an "uh huh." As we ran a yellow light and turned right onto Market Street, I heard you say, "Do it, baby." I thought you were just encouraging the traffic. But then I noticed that when I leaned over to look at the meter, you kind of turned your shoulder toward me a bit. And then it hit me.

You were having phone sex.

You were having really absent-minded phone sex.

Now, I'm not trying to disparage phone sex. It doesn't do much for me, but I know people whose long-distance relationships have been saved by it. But while you're driving? Honestly? And while you're driving other people?

Now that's just sick. Not to mention dangerous. And while it's one thing if you want to endanger yourself, you can't go about putting your fares' lives at risk just because you need your daily jollies. How can you possibly focus on your driving when your blood flow has moved down south? If, I guess. Because you didn't really sound like you were enjoying your phone sex. You sounded...bored. Even though it doesn't really do anything for me, I can't imagine actually being that disaffected if someone was telling me what they wanted to do with my body. Maybe you were just concerned that I'd figure you out. Guess what? Wasn't that hard. You should have maybe thought about it before you pulled over to pick me up.

In the future, I'd suggest maybe finishing up before picking up your fares. And then, if it's not too much to ask, keeping some hand sanitizer in your glove box. And using it before you make change. I wasn't over-tipping you because you deserved it. I just really, really, didn't want to touch anything you'd handled.

Video found by doing a search for "Taxicab Confessions" on YouTube. And oh look! It's a taxi driver talking about sex!