Return to Sender: Unhappy Feet

Dear Feet:

For years, I abused you. Dancing barefoot all through high school, walking barefoot down the brick sidewalks of West Philadelphia, doing just about everything barefoot. I have worn too-tight ankle straps that left you swollen and bleeding. I have cut you, blistered you, calloused you. You are not the stuff of any fetishist's dreams.

But why, oh why, have you decided to hurt me in return? Let's start on a superficial level: no amount of scrubbing, sanding, or filing, no lotions or creams, seems effective. Open-toed shoes, flip-flops, all just look...wrong. Polish doesn't help. It just makes it look like I'm trying too hard. You don't seem to want to heal. You don't want to be pretty, dainty little feet. I'm 5'2", goddammit. My feet should be all three of those things. They—you—are exactly zero of them. I've snuggled with men who actually warned me to keep you away from them. I've gotta tell you, it's a little discouraging.

But beyond the silly superficial stuff, there's also the fact that lately, you've begun to hurt. A lot. I know you're not really used to wearing high heels so often, but is it really all that bad? People complement you on your attire all the time! You look hot in that new pair of pumps! Why fight back by swelling, or with pulled arches or really really sore heels? You are the feet of a former dancer—it can't be that bad to spend a few hours standing on your balls. (Yeah, I know. I realize how that sounds. I can't help it if I'm using the proper terminology.) My ankles have gotten really weak, and even my toes have taken to popping on occasion. What's gotten into you, Feet? We go everywhere together! You know I wouldn't do well at all without you in my life. I'd be going nowhere fast.

I get the feeling that pampering you just won't help. Buying you jewelry is pretty much out. Flowers would just be impractical. But isn't there some way that I can apologize to you for years of abuse in exchange for aesthetic and physical improvement? Please?

I'm asking now because it's nearly wintertime, and all of summer's cute, strappy shoes are about to go on sale. So I thought we'd strike a deal so that personal improvement can happen now through April, when it's warm enough to go sock-less again. So really, you'd be saving me cash and embarrassment. And you'd be looking at a lot more compliments come springtime when you venture out once more in those sexy black open-toeds. See? We can be selfish together.

One of the amazing things about doing a Google Image Search is how damn easy it is to find a photo of exactly what you're looking for, no matter how strange. Photo of a heel that, thankfully, looks worse than the author's, via this gentleman.