This week's quote is from the always-clever, very talented Peter O'Toole (a.k.a. Lawrence of Arabia), who said: "I have no intention of uttering my last words on the stage. Room service and a couple of depraved young women will do me quite nicely for an exit." Now, on with the listings!

The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee - Once upon a time, we were in a spelling bee. You weren’t allowed to sing your answers. October 17-22. Tickets through Ticketmaster.

The Turn of the Screw - Just in time for Halloween! October 18-November 5. Tickets may be purchased via the online box office.

The Uninvited - Also just in time for Halloween. October 20-November 4. Tickets may be reserved online.

Unwrap Your Candy - Like what Monday Manners said to do before the play starts. October 20-November 12. Ticket information online.

Richard 3.5: Light Ruminations on Murder - Phillyist loves Shakespeare. And puppets. So could you think of a better combination? October 18-29. Tickets online.

Something You Did - Well this one sure sounds relevant. October 18-November 19. Tickets and information online.

The Zoo Story and Lines Composed a Few Miles Above Tintern Abbey Part II, or How We Got America’s Most Wanted and The New York Post - This seems like a very strange evening of theatre. October 20-November 18. $1 of each ticket will be donated to the Philadelphia Zoo. Call 215.923.0210 to reserve tickets.

Always - Who doesn’t love them some Irving Berlin? Especially this time of year, as all the retailers gear up for the holidays (too soon! too soon!) and we start to hear “White Christmas” everywhere we go. October 18-29. Tickets online.

Red Light Winter - This one contains nudity and sexually explicit situations. You’ll see us there! Ticket information online.

Aida - It’s that Disney musical that wasn’t based on a cartoon. And consequently wasn’t terribly successful. Through October 29. For tickets and information, call 610.891.0100.

The Heidi Chronicles - Despite its name, it’s not porn. October 20-29. Ticket information online.

Kiss of the Spider Woman - Before you get all excited, you should know that it’s not the musical. October 20-November 19. Tickets online.

Kiss of the Spider Woman - …But this one is! October 19-November 19. Tickets available through the website.

Misery - In this case, not so much with the lovin’ of company. October 19-November 4. Tickets online.

More after the jump...

A Midsummer Night’s Dream - It’s Shakespeare, and it’s sexy. October 13-28. Tickets online.

Crime and Punishment - Get this: they took that whole huge book and they’re condensing it down into a ninety-minute one act. Seriously. October 12-December 10. Tickets available through the Arden.

Dracula, The Musical? - He vants to suck your blood. And then sing about it. October 13-28. Tickets may be reserved online.

Waiting for Godot - One thing’s for sure: it can’t be as painful as End Game. Through October 15. Ticket information online.

Murderers - We always knew that old people were mean... Through November 5. Tickets available online.

Blithe Spirit - A Noel Coward ghost story. That could be fabulous or terrible, depending. Through October 14. Ticket information online.

Catch 22 - Kilroy was here. (Sorry, it’s the graphic.) Through October 28. Ticket information online.

Madame Douce-Amere - Clowns usually scare us, but this actually sounds pretty cool. Through October 29. Ticket information online.

Chariot of the Sun - The photo alone makes us want to go. Through October 15. Ticket information is online.

Patient A - We remember when this was in the news, and we refuse to apply our usual snark to it. Through October 29. Tickets through TicketLeap.

The Pillowman - He’s no fluffer. Through November 5. Tickets online.

Spider’s Web - It’s an Agatha Christie, so expect it to have its share of manners and suspense. Through November 19. For reservations, call 610.565.4211.

A Prayer for Owen Meany - Baseball…and death! Through October 15 (see our review from href="http://www.phillyist.com/archives/2006/09/28/phillyist_revie_5.php">a few weeks ago). Tickets available online.

Master Harold…and the Boys - We’re trying to come up with something snarky to say here, but we just can’t. Through October 15. Tickets available online.

Windy City - This one was written by the guy who wrote “Build Me Up Buttercup.” Kinda makes you want to go, doesn’t it? Through October 22. Ticket information and sales online.

Bad Dates - Yeah, we’ve had our share of those. Through October 22. Ticket information online.

The Children of Fatima - So nice, they’re doing it twice. (They’ve brought it back after its first run.) Through October 15. Ticket information online.

The Imaginary Invalid - Ain’t nothin’ like a French Farce. Through October 22. Tickets available online.

Tony n’ Tina’s Wedding - It’s like My Big Fat Greek Wedding for a South Philly audience. Open run. Tickets and information at 1.800.660.TINA.

Menopause: The Musical - The name says it all, doesn't it? Shows at the Society Hill Playhouse, Wednesday through Saturday at 8 PM, again at 4PM on Saturday, and Sunday at 2 PM and 5:30 PM. Tickets are $45. Call 215.923.0210 for reservations. The Society Hill Playhouse is located at 507 South 8th Street in Philadelphia.

If you've got a theater listing in the Philadelphia area, let us know! Also feel absolutely free to post other listings on the comments page!

Image via All Hands On Deck.