Return to Sender: The Fashion Police Return

Exhibit two: the woman in aqua. I believe that all women are beautiful, no matter their size or shape. Within reason. The problem is that a lot of these beautiful creatures don’t know how to dress their beautiful bodies. The problem with this outfit was probably the same problem that afflicts scores of women, myself included, on a regular basis. I call it the “But it looked okay when I tried it on!” syndrome. There are two reasons that the syndrome exists. The first is unnoticed weight gain or loss. It’s entirely possible to put on or take off a few pounds without realizing it, or without anyone else noticing. But your blue jeans will sure know if you’re not their size anymore. The second cause of the syndrome is simply that not everyone has Stacy, Clinton, or (especially!) the 360° mirror. Clothes that may be flattering from the front aren’t necessarily flattering from the back. Before taking anything home, try to angle the dressing room mirrors so that you can see all sides of you. If that doesn’t work and you take it home anyway, make sure you get a second opinion before tearing the tags off.

There are two serious problems with this ensemble. The first is that the pants appear to be too big (or at the very least, they’re too low), and the second is that the shirt is definitely too tight. I’m not a big fan of low-rise jeans to begin with, but they are a fact of life. I try to run damage prevention by wearing a belt whenever I’m wearing jeans of the hip-hugging persuasion, and I’d suggest the same for our friend, here. Also, it’s important to remember that while denim stretches with a few days’ wear, it also shrinks when you dry it on high heat. If your jeans are feeling particularly loose, try washing them and throwing them in the dryer for an extra cycle. If that doesn’t work, well then, congratulations – you actually did lose weight! The more serious offender of the outfit, though, is the shirt. It’s both too tight and too short (especially to wear with such low jeans). Real women do, in fact, have curves – but this shirt is turning what could be sexy curves into very un-sexy rolls. That’s probably caused, at least in part, by the fact that her bra is also probably way too tight. To avoid this problem, all women should be fit for bras by a bra-fitting specialist (they do exist) at least once a year (boobs, like ears, hair, and fingernails, never really finish growing). You should also try not to buy shirts that are both really tight and really stretchy (unless they’re long enough to be tucked in), as stretch fabrics ride up while you walk. Instead, opt for shirts in non-stretchy cotton, or tailored button-down shirts (make sure it’s loose enough that the buttons don’t gape, or safety pin the area between the buttons to prevent it), which accentuate your natural waistline.

Well, that’s it from the fashion police today, Philadelphia. I’m letting you go with a warning this time. But, if you see any violators, you can send the photos to Return to Sender. I can’t promise I’ll publish them, but I can promise to preserve your anonymity. After all, Lois Lane did it for Superman.

Photos published on the condition of anonymity.