Return to Sender: The Real God Diet

Dear God:

Winter is an especially dangerous time for those of us who don't have time to get to the gym regularly. We eat heavier foods, and usually more often and in larger quantities. We can get away with it, because we wear heavy, baggy clothes, that don't show our hibernation weight off too much. In short, people get a little chunky during the wintertime.

Which is why I wanted to thank you, God, for the annual Atkins Diet you put all of us Jews on every spring. No bread, no pasta, and (technically) no rice, beans, or corn. The carbohydrates would be nonexistent completely if it weren't for matzoh (which is, admittedly, pretty high-carb). But wait! You're only required to eat that during the seder!

There's an added twist to your diet, you sneaky devil god, you: not only are we forbidden from these foods, there's also the guilt that accompanies not sticking to the diet. I'm not talking about the kind of guilt you get when you have that piece of chocolate cake that's strictly forbidden according to your diet. I'm talking about the kind of guilt you're going to have to carry with you till Yom Kippur, at least. If I slip up and eat one of those croutons hiding in my salad, I've actually got You to answer to, and you're a lot scarier than any Weight Watchers weigh-in lady that I've ever heard about. People sometimes describe their desserts as "sinful," but they only really mean it eight days a year, and even then, only if they're Jewish.

I know we Jews don't believe in Hell, but that doesn't keep me from being really afraid of what you've got up your sleeve if I break one of your commandments. And you know that there's only so much matzoh a secular Jew can reasonably eat, so I'm going to be eating a lot of salad this week so as to avoid the starches and carbs that usually serve as half or more of my diet. It almost makes me wish that Pesach was a week or two longer. It's not that I love salads so much – it's just that I think it probably takes longer than a week for ketosis to kick in.

Image via The Cook's Thesarus.