This Week in Celebrity...

...Eeewwww: Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest were caught... Please, don't make us finish that sentence. (Via Us Weekly.)

...Skank: Mariah Carey doesn't believe in underwear. Warning: NSFW images follow. (Via The Superficial.)

...Scientology: That's three weeks in a row that we've had a Scientology-related story to report: Katie Holmes has had six-foot high signs reminding her to be completely still and silent during childbirth delivered to the home she shares with Tom Cruise, as distress signals from the birthing mother could traumatize the child for years, leading to a need for extensive therapy. Wait, what? Therapy? What about what Tom Cruise said about Brooke Shields? You know what? Never mind. We just hope that Katie Holmes suffers from postpartum depression. Not because we'd ever wish that on another woman -- just because we want Tom Cruise to know it exists. (Via What Would Tyler Durden Do?)

...Royalty, Kind Of: That's Sir Tom Jones to you, sonny! (Via People Magazine.)

...Skank, Part II: Paris Hilton will sleep with anything with two legs, a bank account, and a penis. And we're not even sure about that first part. (Via MSNBC.)

...Weird: Keira Knightley was spotted leaving her twenty-first birthday party dressed as a pig. To which Phillyist says, for the second time this week, "Mmm... bacon!" (Via The Superficial.)

...Addiction: People with as much money as Whitney Houston are supposed to be doing lines of coke through a hundred dollar bill on imported Italian granite counter tops, not smoking crack. Seriously. (Via New York Daily News.)

...Skank, Part III: Sharon Stone thinks teenage girls wouldn't be raped as often if only they knew how to give good head. (Via The National Ledger.)

...Run-Ins With the Law: The cop from the Village People has been arrested for drug possession and falsely identifying himself to a police officer. Meanwhile, his girlfriend is also in trouble with the law, which at least answers the "are they or aren't they?" question for one member of the band. (Via Yahoo.)

...Stupid: Umm, K-Fed? Those two million hits were what we'd call morbid curiosity. It's probably a tough concept for you to grasp, but basically, it means that people were going to your website expecting your song to be bad, and left it gratified that their preconceived notions were correct. (Via People Magazine.)

Photo via Us Weekly