Seriously, Guys...Rashomon?!?!
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Gary Gulman at Helium Comedy Club
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If there’s one thing about Sex and the City that always bothered us (other than Carrie’s really mad-lib narration: “[Prepositional phrase] where [noun] [present-tense verb], [to be verb] [noun phrase] [verb phrase]?”) was Charlotte’s take on oral sex. You see, the WASP-y Charlotte had two plot lines revolving around the subject. One surrounded Charlotte’s brief but gratifying relationship with “Mr. Pussy”, and another dealt with her refusal to perform oral sex on the man she was dating (we’d supply you with a link, but we can’t seem to find it ourselves – please leave it in the comments section if you know the episode!). You see, Charlotte York, otherwise the manners queen on Sex and the City, is actually quite rude when it comes to the manners of foreplay. So Monday Manners is going to make something very clear for you right now:
Oral sex is absolutely, unequivocally, a reciprocal activity.
You heard us, folks. If you want to receive, you’d better be damn ready to get down there and give. Not being willing to return the favor (and it’s a helluva favor!) is the height of rudeness. No matter how much we may preach to you about opening doors or picking up the tab, nothing get Phillyist’s goat quite like tales of ill-mannered lovers.
If you’re anything like this Phillyist writer, you first reacted to the definition of “oral sex” with something along the lines of: “You put your what on his/her what?!” Because, let’s face it, that’s not the kind of thing Mommy would approve of you putting in your mouth. It doesn’t sound clean, and save for any connoisseurs amongst us, it’s not the most attractive part of the human anatomy. But unfortunately, you can’t get off by staring deeply into your partner’s eyes. So you’ve got to go downtown.
Foreplay is important in any sexual relationship. It serves to get your partner (and yourself!) in the mood, and it’s especially helpful for women to facilitate intercourse. But foreplay has to be performed on, well, an even playing field. If you’re not willing to go down on your partner because you find it unclean/unpleasant, don’t expect your partner to go down on you. Stick to mutual masturbation or get a little creative, but don’t be a selfish lover. And let your partner know before s/he finishes on you. That might mean breaking the mood a little (“That feels great, but…), but it will save the pain and resentment that will undoubtedly accompany your partner’s sore jaw and/or tongue when s/he finds there won’t be any reciprocation.
As much as we like to harp on your public manners, Phillyist would like to remind you that there’s something to be said for a little sexual etiquette, too. Next week, we’ll go back to our old-fashioned selves for a refresher on proper chair usage. We’re looking at you, Sharon Stone.
Phillyist endorses safe, polite sex.
Image via Petula Clark.net
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