Return to Sender: All Along the Watchtower

Secondly, I know that in the real world, eleven a.m. isn’t too early to expect someone to be awake, but if a person opens the door at eleven a.m., bleary-eyed and bathrobe-bedecked, it’s safe to assume that that person was in bed. Maybe some people are agreeable to everything when they’ve just woken up. I am personally not one of them. You said yourselves, I looked tired. So why did you shove a tract in my face and try to talk to me about conversion? You could have said “sorry to bother you,” and gone on to wake my neighbor. I really didn’t want to slam the door in your face, but it seemed like the only way you’d get the message. (And yes, I was showing very, very poor manners in doing it.)

And here’s the kicker. You only believe that 144,000 people will gain entrance to heaven. There are around six billion people alive in the world today – and your religion has been around since the late nineteenth century, so we’ve got to count the current six billion plus everyone who died between 1869 and 2006. By our estimates, that’s more than 144,000 people. It’s kind of like when Vanity Fair throws a party with a too-exclusive guest list. You might accidentally blacklist Paris Hilton from heaven. If it were me, I’d keep things much more on the down-low. Becoming a Jehovah’s Witness should be a lot more like trying to find a woman’s G-spot. You have to be patient, try a few different approaches, go slow. You can only get that far if you’re invited and pass a series of tests (ranging from financial background to skill at bra removal). If you’re worthy, or lucky, you figure out what works, and you get to be one of the 144,000. Embracing the faith, like finding the G-spot, should be a lot more work: you won’t find most women going door-to-door inviting people to embrace their vaginas, so why should you go door-to-door asking people to embrace your religion?

Of course, come to think of it, maybe selling your religion that way would make it more attractive to potential new recruits.

Hey, whatever works.

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