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Wikipedia defines an aubade as: “…a poem or song of or about lovers separating at dawn.” John Donne wrote several aubades, among them, “Break of Day,” which begins:
'Tis true, 'tis day; what though it be?
O wilt thou therefore rise from me?
Why should we rise, because 'tis light?
Did we lie down, because 'twas night?
Love which in spite of darkness brought us hither
Should in despite of light keep us together.
That’s fancy-talk for: “Just because it’s morning, you don’t have to run out and pretend this didn’t happen.” (It doesn’t have to be LOVE – just lust.) Now, we’re not advocating post-coital sonnet writing, but there’s no reason for things to get ugly. The morning after your first night with someone can be a little awkward, especially if it’s also the morning after meeting that someone. Below, we’ve got a few tips for you – whether you’re the host or the guest (for complete lack of better terms) – so that you can have a well-mannered morning after.
Hosts:
You are an asshole – male or female – if you kick someone out of your bed immediately after having sex. You’re slightly less of an asshole if you let that person stay the night, but kick them out at seven a.m. It might have been a one-night stand, but hey, you got laid, and that’s worth a comfortable bed and maybe even a hot shower in the morning. That being said, if your guest seems uncomfortable with the prospect of staying overnight, you should let him or her leave, no questions asked.
Being polite and letting your guest stay the night doesn’t mean that you’ve got to wake up early and cook a gourmet breakfast. If you’ve been dating your guest for a while, that’s nice and all, but if it’s that hottie you met at Loie last night, fresh-squeezed orange juice, eggs Florentine, and Belgian waffles might be a bit excessive, if not downright creepy. Do offer your guest a cup of coffee or a glass of the Florida’s Natural that you keep in your fridge, especially if you’re indulging in anything yourself. (If you had a nice time and you’d like to see your guest again, this isn’t a bad time to bring that up.)
Oh, one more thing! We at Phillyist advocate safe sex 100%. And if you’re bringing someone back to your place (especially if this is something you do regularly), you should make sure that you supply the protection. It’s unfair to expect the guest (especially if it’s that hottie from Loie) to have condoms with them. If they do, that’s great. If not, show off your scout training, and BE PREPARED.
Guests:
If you do the deed and decide you want to leave, you have every right to do so – nothing that your hosts says or does should make you feel compelled to do something you’re not comfortable with. Of course, if your host is an asshole and kicks you out once s/he gets his/her jollies, you can’t force the host to let you stay. Unfortunately, as the guest, you have a little less control over this situation than the host does. But you can take revenge by letting it be known what an asshole s/he is at all the trendy bars that s/he might be using as a pick-up joint. Your host will discover quickly what a small town Philadelphia really is, and will be forced to move to Cleveland in order to get laid again.
If you do end up staying overnight, do not act like you are now officially a couple. Chances are, you’re not. In this modern world, sex often comes before a relationship, so even if you’ve been on a few dates with your host before your first boy-girl (or boy-boy or girl-girl) sleepover, we’d suggest not trying to spend the morning cuddling, unless your host seems into that, too. When you wake up, you can see how interested your host is in a sequel to the night’s activities, and if s/he doesn’t seem into it, you should probably get up and go about your business. You’ve got every right to ask if it’s okay if you shower, or at least brush your teeth. (And if your host says s/he’s only got one toothbrush, laugh, remind him/her that you swapped plenty of saliva the night before, and promise to buy him a new one if sharing is such a big deal.) Don’t suggest brunch at that cute café in the Italian Market, unless you’ve been out together before – it’s a little couple-y. If you’re really hungry, remember that the nearest Wawa is probably only a few blocks away and you can get a donut on your way home. Again, this is one of those situations where the host, unfortunately, has a little more control than you do. So if s/he doesn’t think to offer you anything to replenish all the calories you spent during sex, s/he’s rude, but you’ll survive.
If you had a good time and you’d like to do it again, there’s no harm in saying it on your way out the door. Or if you’re shy or afraid of open rejection, leave your phone number (and your name – sometimes people do forget) somewhere noticeable and let your host make the next move. No love notes, please. That’ll just make your host worry about his/her pet bunnies.
There you have it, readers. John Donne might’ve written it better, but we thought we’d help you figure out what 21st Century lovers (of whatever duration) might non-poetically do at dawn. Next week: picking up the check.
Image via Wikipedia.
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You could add: if you're a guest (and especially if you've mentioned your stint in an insane asylum), please don't assume you have full run of the other person's apartment. Lying in bed and thinking, "Oh god, what the hell is she doing out there?" as various noises issue from the other rooms can be sort of unpleasant. (And it's not a very polite way to persuade your host to get up. Oral sex is often much better... and far far more polite.)
Oh: and don't casually declare yourself the other person's soulmate. ("The soul is the prison of the body.")