Phillial: Give Thanks For Your Battery-Powered Friends

Kali Morgan - the proprietrix of Philadelphia's own Passional and editrix of the similarly titled magazine - knows great sex.

And she isn't afraid to talk about it. "I was raised by born-again Christians," Kali says. "They've pretty much gotten over what I do for a living."

Or give you a sales pitch. "The Hitachi Magic Wand is a guaranteed orgasm for women. Guys say they don't like vibrators because they're jealous. Jealous of what? All you've gotta do is put this thing between her legs and bam! All of the work's done for you!"

Or tell you what's illegal - and where. Texas and Alabama, for instance, are out for the Hitachi. "The Hitachi can't be bought in Texas without being marketed as a 'novelty'" - in other words, she told us, people can only exchange their vibrators as gag gifts only. A dildo at a bachelorette party is acceptable, but to actually use one to get off? To market one as a sure-fire way to your G-spot? Unspeakable in the Lone Star State. We passed around the Hitachi at a certain launch party of note, feeling quite like we were in a speakeasy of sex, the vibrations enhanced by the unmistakable feeling of being transgressive. It also sorta helped that Kali was wearing devil horns.

Inspired by Kali's laudable no-nonsense approach to the down and dirty (and status as one of the sole handmade corset couteriers within our city limits), we wanted to learn more about what's legal in Philly that ain't elsewhere. Doing a little research for this column (read: asking our Southern friends), We learned that the vibrating cock rings now sold by Trojan as part of their Elexa line for women are out of the question for lads and lasses in Georgia, Kansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Texas, Virginia, Alabama or Colorado - and yes, it's even illegal to buy online from those locales. In fact, according to last year's Alabama Supreme Court interpretation of the no-sex-toy law, it's legal to walk down the 'Bama streets selling semi-automatic weapons, but brandishing the Elexa vibrating rings would be more of a faux pas than not grilling your roadkill. When the constitutionality of the 'Bama law was challenged this February - and raised to the U.S. Supreme Court - Scalia and Co. decided that they weren't going to debate what the Constitution has to say about the right to sexual privacy, effectively sanctioning rifles over the randy. Somewhere, somehow, we think this would make for a great School House Rock number.

The Salem-esque witch-hunt on women like Joanne Webb and Sherri Williams, a Texan and an Alabaman respectively who have come under fire for their vibe-peddling ways, lead us to wonder why the right to your own orgasm isn't sacred in the the land of the free. It may seem silly to wax about pleasure compared to affairs like Greek-lettered hurricanes and questionable Supreme Court nominations, but didn't some of those Vietnam hippies tell us (well, some of us old enough to remember) to "make love, not war?" Wethinks they wouldn't quite approve of a company so innocuous as to make ads trademarked with neighing horses would have to compete with shootin' at trespassers from your back porch. Wouldn't a trusty pitbull work just as well?

Joanne, in particular - a Baptist mother of three who was a prominent churchgoer in her Texas town - strikes us as the scapegoat of a sanctimonious society gone awry. She was kicked out of two churches because, according to some members of her community, her business as a pitchwoman for Passion Products put her square against the Lord. We're rather rusty on our Sunday school facts, but we do recall a rather prominent commandment, called, "Thou shalt not kill." We don't seem to recollect one titled, "Thou shalt not sell strap-ons." We probably would have been more interested in coloring if that were the case.

The next time you visit Passional - or Condom Kingdom, or the Mood, or Chateau Exotique - we at Phillial want you to thank your lucky stars that our lawmakers in Pennsylvania don't care about what's battery-powered in your bedroom. We also want you to send some special "presents" this holiday season to your friends in a geographically warmer climate. They'll thank you for it. Again, and again, and again.