Return to Sender: Not As Think As You Drunk We Are

Dear Pennsylvania Wine and Spirits Shoppes:

We’d consider boycotting you, but here’s the thing: we don’t have many options. The great State of Pennsylvania has decided that all liquor stores have to be state-owned. We’re not native Pennsylvanians, so we can’t cite the specific law that mandates this, nor can we relate the state’s justifications for the law. We suspect that the law is supported by the same people who support the State College zoning ordinance that states that no more than three unrelated people can live in a house together. In other words, we don’t think the law makes that much sense.

You see, where we’re from, you can buy rum at the grocery store. You can buy a gallon jug of cheap wine at Kmart. You can buy a six pack at 7-11. You can pick up a handle of tequila at your friendly local drive-thru liquor store. We shit you not. It’s not that we’re endorsing drinking and driving. And we don’t think that alcohol should be easier to purchase for people who shouldn’t be purchasing it. (Or course, we get carded way more back home than here in Philly, so we don’t think that’s really an issue.) What we do think, though, is that it would sure be nice if liquor were easier to purchase in general. Making penne alla vodka? Buy your tomatoes and your booze at the same place! Looking for the perfect red wine to pair with your steak au poivre? Bring your Epicurious recipe printout – complete with wine pairing – to the grocery store for a little one-stop shopping.

Not only are you inconvenient when we want a quick bottle of something to make that candlelit dinner at home especially special, Wine and Spirits Shoppes, but you make it so that we have to go to our local pizzerias when we want a quick six pack to take to a party. When we go to those parties which require both beer and liquor, we have to make two stops along the way. Wine and Liquor Shoppes, you’re seriously raining on our parade. We want to get all of our alcoholic beverages at once – so that we can start consuming them all the sooner.

It’s bad enough that we can’t find our favorite vino verde anywhere in the state of Pennsylvania. It’s even worse that a bottle of Don Julio Reposado costs about three times here than it does back home. (Of course, back home, we can usually buy our D.J. in Mexico. Even with tariffs, it saves us bundles.) But you know what the worst thing of all is? The fact that we have to go to Jersey or Delaware to get what we want. Before we moved to Philadelphia, we thought that New Jersey was just like what we saw in those Kevin Smith movies. (And then, when we finally came to Philly, we learned that we weren’t mistaken.) The only thing we know about Delaware is that it’s known as “The First State.” Philadelphia is far enough from home for us; we don’t want to travel outside our newly-established comfort zone just to buy better wine. Or everclear.

Listen, we know it’s not your fault, Wine and Spirits Shoppes. We know that the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board and the Man have both got you down. But couldn’t you maybe, just maybe, start carrying that champagne we’ve been looking for? Or, you know, forties?