Return to Sender: Getting Physical

To the guy at the gym who doesn't shelve his weights:

Hi. Remember us? We were waiting for you to finish your tenth set of reps the other day. We’re small – perhaps we escaped your line of site. So small, in fact, that we couldn't possibly have lifted a fraction of what you were lifting. And we couldn't work out when you were done because we couldn't even put your weights away. Yeah, us.

Listen, we’re really glad that you're so strong and manly and you can lift those heavy metal disks all by yourself. And don't get us wrong, we don't even mind that you smile at us before you begin every set, as if to say “if my muscles are this strong, imagine what my penis must be like.” (At least you’re not talking about our breasts.) And we know that you want to leave the weights there so that people can walk by and inspect your work and say to themselves, “wow, that guy was strong.” But didn't your mommy ever teach you to put your toys away? Same technique should be applied here.

We know, we shouldn't play with the big kids if we can't keep up. And we try to stick to the machines as much as possible, really we do. But really now, you're just being a bully. Picking on little girls. That's not fair, nor is it nice. And it certainly won’t make us take you up on that pre-squat smile.

“But Phillyist,” you might say, “what does all this have to do with Philadelphia?” Easy.

As you may have noticed before, we think that Philadelphia men want a certain je ne sais quoi when it comes to manners. While we’d like very much to teach you all to waltz and how to set a proper table for a formal dinner, we think we’ll just start with one basic: being an all-around nice person who is aware that his actions have an impact on the others around him. We’ll use the gym to demonstrate the required technique. And hey, Philadelphia women might find this useful too, so read on!

If you notice that a person is waiting to use the equipment you’ve been hogging: We know how it goes. You’ve just gotten into a rhythm. You don’t want to stop for anything. Even breathing. (We once saw someone almost pass out doing hammer curls because he forgot to breathe.) So it’s easier to just ignore the person hovering near your weight bench. But this would be rude. Instead, turn to the person and politely inform them: “I’ve only got three sets left, so I’ll be done soon,” or, better yet, invite the person to “work in” with you. This isn’t always easy if you’ve got to do a lot of weight readjusting – but if you’re on a machine, or using free weights on a bench, you should try letting someone else have a turn. Besides, taking a break between sets is actually good for you.

If you’re doing sit-ups or stretches: Funny thing about lying down on the floor. You’re blocking people. Not only that, if you dress for the gym like we do, you’re blocking people while simultaneously giving them a great view of your ass, since the sweat pants you bought before you started working out a lot no longer stay around your ever-flattening tummy. When you need to do floor work, try to find a less crowded room in the gym. Lots of gyms have dance studios – and if they’re not in use and the door is open, you should try getting out of the way by finishing up in there. If there’s not a room you can escape to, you should at least try to stay in the corner, out of the way of the heavy foot traffic. It’s safer for the people moving between exercises, and it’s safer for you – we don’t think you’d look very good with a fifty-pound weight crushing the side of your skull. That, of course, is a personal aesthetic – we do not mean to discriminate against any indigenous cultures that practice head flattening, no matter how dangerous it may be.

If you’re lifting more than, say, twenty pounds: Why twenty pounds? Well, because your average bag of dog food weighs about that much, and if you’re fit enough to be working out in the weight room, you can probably carry a twenty-pound of dog food between the store and your car, even if you don’t own a dog. Or a car. But that doesn’t mean we’re all going to run out and buy the fifty-pound bags of dog food. And it doesn’t mean that if you’re putting fifty-pound weights on your bar that we can slide them off, carry them across the gym, and re-rack them when we need the bar and you’re long gone. Believe it or not, some people like to use the twenty-pound weights when they’re bench pressing. And other people just bench press the bar by itself. That’s right. No additional weight. Be kind to the non-Hurculeans in your midst. Rack your weights. Hell – if you see unracked weights that you didn’t use, go ahead and put those away, too. Some cute girl might thank you later.

There you have it, folks. Three easy steps toward being a more courteous person. Because we don’t like rude people. And, fellas, those cute girls at the gym don’t like them either.