Return to Sender: The Things That Provoke Air Rage

To the Philadelphians on our Vegas-bound flight sometime over the weekend of August 4:

We usually don’t like flying at night. But the one definite advantage of night flights is that they’re quiet. Usually quiet, we should say. Because that flight was anything but.

We were already having a hellish day at the airport, and we boarded our plane full of hope that we could at least take a nap. But no. We get on the flight and the group behind us was having a very loud discussion about Philadelphia sports. We love our Philly teams too – but we like to use our inside voices when we’re in enclosed spaces and traveling en masse. Not only that, but insulting every team that isn’t the Eagles, the Flyers, the Sixers, or the Phillies does not bode well for your safety in the event of an occurrence of severe air rage on the part of, for instance, a Giants, Rangers, Knicks, or Yankees fan (and there were definitely some of those on the plane). That’s not good sportsmanship, folks. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

And then, when the pilot announced that we were twenty-eighth in the takeoff queue, you got even more obnoxious. The flight attendants are not going to serve free cocktails to you (especially to you) because our takeoff has been delayed. Stop hollering for booze. If you want alcohol, you can wait till the flight takes off and pay $5 for it, just like everyone else in coach. When we were finally cleared for takeoff, this same group of people decided that they’d celebrate in a way not unlike the way they likely celebrated when the Eagles made the Super Bowl last year. By doing that, our takeoff slot was nearly lost – apparently there’s this pesky rule that all passengers have to be seated before the plane hits the main runway. Thanks, folks. We really didn’t need to get in the air that badly.

Then there was the couple next to us. Mr. and Mrs. Tony Soprano wannabe, from South Philly. Why go to Vegas when you obviously spend most of your time in Atlantic City? She (in the middle seat) was wearing far too much jewelry. He (in the window seat) barely fit in his seat, and his wife had to crowd me in order to give him room. She also had to use the bathroom just about every time we’d pull out our laptop. And then, when she came back, she’d stare at what we were working on (last week’s column) for everything she was worth. You know, if we wanted you to see what we were writing, we would have turned our computer toward you. On the inside, we’re clacking our tongues at you.

We’ve also never seen a crowd so enthused about a Will Ferrell movie in our lives. Kicking and Screaming was the in-flight movie, and people were actually cheering during the soccer scenes. Not only is it a movie, it’s a movie about ten-year-olds. We kind of doubt any of these people would cheer so hard if they were watching kids playing soccer in person. Unless they’re kind of like the Robert Duvall character in real life. But we wouldn’t have trouble believing that, either.

The movie ended and everyone appeared to settle down a little, until the end of the flight. You see, when the captain announced we were about to land, he also told us that many people on board had connections to make in Vegas, and not a lot of time in which to make them (we had about ten minutes), and to remain seated until the people with connections to make could exit the plane. The couple seated one row up and immediately across the aisle apparently didn’t hear that message. Everyone on the flight knew that they weren’t going farther than Vegas – they’d loudly been talking about Vegas since boarding – but as soon as the plane finished taxiing, they were standing in the middle of the aisle removing their multiple pieces of carry-on luggage (including a boom box circa 1987). They asked someone standing behind them to retrieve something out of the overhead box she was standing under, and the following conversation ensued:

Woman behind the couple: I can’t, I have to get off this plane.
The couple: Honey, we all have to get off this plane.
WBC: No, I really have to get off this plane. I’ve got a connection in five minutes and you’re blocking the aisle.
TC: Well, if you’ll just hand us our bag, we’ll be ready to get off the plane, and then you can get off the plane.
WBC: Yes, but if you’d move out of the way, I could get off the plane now.
TC: Honey, we all have to get off this plane.

Insert broken record here.

Philadelphians, we love you, but you’ve got to learn how to behave yourselves on airplanes. Otherwise, you might be looking at some real serious air rage coming from us.