Ask Phillial: Martha Stewart Would Be Proud

In this week’s Phillial, we move on from glass cocks to glass houses - or Home Depot, that is. We know there’s a catchy transition in there somewhere. Please don’t throw stones at us. Or dildos.

Phillyist reader Kim asks:

“Can you provide tips on how to walk into a hardware store and pervert everything there? Example: I hear my spreader bars could've been made with a wood bar or two and some loopy things made at the end. More tips?”

Ask Phillial sez:

Ah, the ubiquitous Home Depot question. We’ve seen this query before, and want to answer it not because it’s unique, but because it never gets an adequate response. The “Home Depot is kinky” schtick is often alluded to in BDSM jokes (i.e, “You might be kinky if Home Depot has given you a business account - and you’re not a builder”) and snarky sitcom one-liners (“Oh, honey, kinky people don’t shop at sex stores, they shop at Home Depot”), yet we get the sneaking suspicion that many kinksters-to-be roam the Depot’s aisles clueless about what to buy. Or worse, they buy some nice nylon rope, and then have no clue how to tie their lad or lass properly to the bedpost. Or end up in a situation involving three policeman, a firetruck, and a mullet-ed dude named Bubba.

Because we at Phillyist would rather not see your unfortunate X-ray circulate the cesspools of the Intar-web, we’ve assembled some handy do-it-yourself ideas about Home Depot and other meccas of kink. But before we begin, a disclaimer: it’s better to be safe than sorry, so don’t be afraid to ask for assistance from a hunky Home Depot helpmate or your friendly neighborhood carpenter if you’re more Tim Allen than Bob Vela. You don’t have to disclose why you need the information, but hey, we’ve always had a thing for boys with hammers… Ahem.

Here’s three simple projects, and a list of the Depot’s ubiquitous pervertibles. For a more extensive project list (and a great BDSM primer, really) we recommend Jay Wiseman’s tome on the subject. He’s a medical professional that understands kink ain’t crazy. You'd be wise to check it out.

1) Spreader bars can be clamped to ankles or wrists, and, as suggested by the name, “spreads” your limbs in an erotically restraining manner. You’ll need a wooden dowel (1” by 24” is the recommended length, but you could vary this), a drill, and three #6 screw eyes. Drill holes for the screw eyes at the beginning, middle, and end of the dowel rod, insert screw eyes, and voila! Instant spreaders. Add ankle or wrist cuffs and you’re set , and the middle screw eye can support restraint on a bed’s headboard. The wood isn’t forgiving of too much weight-bearing (suspension, for instance), so go easy. Still, the total cost will be scant compared to typical fetish wares, which can run up to $100 even in the most budget-friendly shops.
2) Rubber whips pack a nasty punch and are an easily-made addition to your erotic discipline toybox. You’ll need a 9” wooden dowel, rubber cement, a bicycle inner tube, and some scrap leather. Cut 12” inch strips (plus the length of the handle) about ½” inch wide into the inner tube. Covering the dowel lengthwise with rubber cement, begin gluing your sections of the tube around the dowel. Dry overnight, and cover with scrap leather as you see fit. Add thumbtacks, smiley faces, Teletubbies stickers. After all, this is *your* whip. You’re a top in training!
3) You probably won’t find practice golf balls at Home Depot, but Wal-Mart or Tar-Jay could be your friend in the making of a quality ball gag. A practice ball (the kind with holes in it) is easily perverted with the addition of an easy-on-the-teeth rope or leather strap through the holes. It’s breathable, yet gags well – it ain’t an oxymoron. A little (human-safe!) paint will remove the illusion that you’re not at the country club. Unless, of course, that’s part of the fetish. Paging June Cleaver!

The kinky-on-a-budget, quite frankly, can’t afford to be unimaginative. Duct tape, wooden dowels, pet store collars, nylon rope, clothespins and clamps, ping-pong paddles, Goody hair-brushes, sleeping masks-cum-blindfolds – the possibilities are endless. Let the aisles of Home Depot, Loew’s, Wal-Mart, Target, and even your local pet store be your oyster. Who knows? Your lover may even return the DIY favor. Don’t say your friends at Phillyist didn’t warn you.

Photo Credit: Popular Mechanics