Ask Phillial: In Search of Philly's Phaux Phalluses

After one Phillyist staffer’s hiatus in Texas (and a fruitless hunt for the real Butterscotch Stallion, although we learned that a certain Mr. Delay is a real power bottom) we're back to answer your Love and Sex questions. This week’s query comes from a reader fed up with the South Street sex toy scene:

I want to acquire another dildo (or two). a) Where in the Philly area has the largest selection? Are my choices really limited to The Pleasure Chest, Passional, and The Mood/Zone/Whatever? b) I don't care what it looks like (penis, penguin, whatever) as long as it feels good and is easy to clean (I have a long-haired cat whose fur sticks to most surfaces)... any recomendations on those specific lines? c) Okay, I do care what it looks like - there are some really pretty wood, metal, stone, and glass ones available.... what are the relative merits thereof?

Ask Phillial sez:

An alphabetized question gets alphabetized answers. After all, no one ever accused us at Phillyist for being illogical.

a) While we could never knock the Pleasure Chest, Passional, and The Mood (we've just had too much fun perusing the stores with blushing co-workers by our sides), your search for a greater variety is understandable - and common. There's only so much macaroni-shaped-like-penis pasta and heckling tourists that a guy or gal can take before s/he wants a more unique venue for a dildo search.

With that said, have you tried Forbidden Planet? (N. and 3rd, right off of Market Street). It's a great store with a selection different than the South Street grind, and there's nary a heckler in sight. The South Street stores often buy from the same suppliers - Forbidden Planet offers different wares for the discerning customer. If you're up for a drive, a little birdie extolled us the virtues of Chateau Exotique in New Hope, a boutique that specializes in corsetry but also features exotic dildoes. You'll get a great selection - and avoid giggling teenage girls and nervous husbands - in no time!

b) We've got one word for you, chica: silicone. It might sound space-agey and evoke Pamela Anderson's tracts of land, but it's got a reputation among those in the know as being one of the best materials for a durable, safe dildo. It's smooth and non-sticky (a plus, if one owns a feline), is easy to clean, absorbs body heat quickly, and can be easily shaped into a penis, a penguin, or a large red atomic disintegrator (Hey man, different strokes for different folks.) Unlike PVC, silicone doesn't have that "plastic-y smell," either. Materials like acrylic are also easy-to-clean, yet result in a harder, less malleable dildo, if that's your thing. In the sex toy world, here's a good rule of thumb: more expensive = better. After all, you wouldn't want to stick just any old thing in your cooch would you? (David Beckham's wife apparently doesn't: Posh Spice's hubby spent over 1.8 million on a diamond-encrusted vibrator for his lass. Especially when you want something exotic, which leads us to our next letter...)

c) Glass is non-porous - which makes it much easier to clean - and, in most cases, can be disinfected in very hot water. The downside is that one nick to this very breakable material can turn one happily-advised Phillyist reader into an E.R. patient getting her lawyer to call us - so don't say that we didn't warn you! Glass dildos made properly can come in striking colors and shapes, rendering a product you'll be tempted to put on display rather than use (a caveat: make sure your grandparents aren't visiting soon.) Metals and stone materials are also relatively easy to clean and striking, but you pay the price in terms of "malleability" and realistic feel. If you're not searching for a pseudo-penis, however, then these materials may be right for you.

Wood? While we found many a wood dildo on the market, we're still hesitant to recommend a dildo from a dead tree. After all, wouldn't it splinter? Isn't it flammable? It could be the EPA's new slogan: "Save the rainforest, stop using wood dildos." "Only you can stop wood dildo fires." Smokey the Bear is probably cringing right now.

Photo Credit: Le Chateau Exotique