by Mike Van Helder and Star C. Foster

Everyone knows a buddy movie about moonshiners is best viewed in the company of either a good friend or a jar of hooch - and since getting liquored up is frowned upon at most neighborhood cinemas, Phillyists Mike Van Helder and Star C. Foster decided to do the next best thing and buddy-up to brave "The Dukes of Hazzards."

Star: Well, that was...less than stellar. Sure, Burt Reynolds was stylish and oily as Boss Hogg. In fact, as he was the only person doing actually acting, given a modicum more screen time he could have easily stolen the picture. As it was, his performance was only (barely) supported by Johnny Knoxville's uber-testosterone driven Luke Duke and Jessica Simpson's breasts.

Mike: This is a movie about jumping over things with a fast car, Daisy Duke in a pair of daisy dukes and a couple of brawlin', arrow-shootin', 'shine runnin', outlaw good-ole boys. That Johnny Knoxville and Sean William Scott played it broad and testosterone-filled is only appropriate. Burt Reynolds was pretty amazing, though it's sadly clear that Willie Nelson wasn't cast for his range and depth of characterization.

Star: On the plus side, that was some real fancy stunt driving and the General Lee looked right pretty. And I totally dug on the soundtrack.

Mike: Ditto on the soundtrack. As for the Lee: Three -- count 'em -- three big jumps, two hood-slides, the Dixie horn and more vehicular mayhem than a Mad Max flick. YEEEEE-HAW!

Star: Oh-kaay. That being said, the movie lacked the innocent charm of the TV series (well, as innocent and charming as any TV show can be that features two fugitive moon-shiners with a penchant for reckless driving and launching flaming arrows from moving vehicles), and I missed that. Old School Bo and Luke were impish, loveable scamps - celluloid Bo and Luke were demented trouble-makers with their brains in their pants and a some seriously creepy relationships. This Duke family was barely likeable, let alone loveable.

Mike: I agree that this is a less innocent Hazzard County, but I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. This was a PG-13 movie made for modern audiences. If anything, I found it refreshingly light on the potty-humour that's so distressingly prevalent in modern comedies.

Star: Even so. I had a hard time believing anyone in the movie was from a small town in the South. Or even just the South. With the notable exception of Reynolds, everyone's accent flip-flopped on both side of the Mason-Dixon line, and the "aw, garsh" downhome-isms were clearly debated over expensive wine in an urban penthouse before making their way into the script. The phrase "I shoulda bust a cap in his ass," should never, ever pass the lips of Uncle Jesse...I don't care what decade we're in. (On the other hand, if "you couldn't fix an election if your brother were Govenor" isn't a genuine colloquialism, it darn well should be. Or is that "dang well should be?")

Mike: Well, yeah. And Kevin Costner didn't have an english accent in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Get over it!

Star: Actually, it's 14 years later and I'm still holding a grudge against Costner for that performance; a fact which does not bode well for the Dukes.

Mike: Are you upset that they didn't cast real cavemen in Quest for Fire too? You really need to work on suspending your disbelief.

Star: Ok, then. Let's take a look at what passed for a plot. Why bother having the Duke boys do any Scooby-Doo detective work about the Boss Hogg's nefarious plans if Hogg was so willing to have a "before I kill you Mr. Bond" moment? Seems to me the whole mystery was less plot-driven than it was generated to get them to Atlanta so the writers could acknowledge that"Good Ol' Boy"attitude doesn't play so well in the 'aughts.

Mike: Dukes of Hazzard was never plot-heavy. The trip to Atlanta was obviously set up for some cheap fish-out-of-water humour -- but so what? It was cheesy and dumb and fun.

Star: Well, cheesy and dumb, anyway. I've got to give this one an "L" and half an "O" on the Phillyist LOVE scale.
Mike: And I've got to give it three out of four rebel yells. YEEEEE-HAW!

The Dukes of Hazzards opens nationwide on August 5th. Click here to find theaters showing The Dukes of Hazzard in your area.