Return to Sender: Bob Geldof’s Bigger, Louder Brainchild

I am not going to Live 8.

I am not going to Live 8, but not for the same reasons you’re not going to Live 8. I’m not going to Live 8 because I’m claustrophobic. That doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re an asshole because you’re complaining, though.

People, we’re talking about starving kids in Africa! I really don’t see what there is to complain about. Sure, we’d like to see some more socially conscious bands playing. But just because the bands didn’t sport “Vote or Die” t-shirts (I am excepting P. Diddy, of course) or play at Kerry rallies doesn’t mean they don’t care. Again, these are STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA. Does anybody actually not care about that? Think of it this way: at least we have a line-up. The official website for Live 8 reports that Moscow still doesn’t have a final line-up. (And we were worried about concert permits!)

And another thing, Philadelphians: you’re making us look bad. Here we’ve got this HUGE, international event coming up. We were chosen -– Philadelphia was chosen -– to host the American concert. Not New York. Not LA, or San Francisco, or Chicago, or Miami, or Dallas. And you’re complaining. It makes us seem ungrateful. It makes us look bad. Sure, you might say to yourself, but Philly hosted the original Live Aid concert, so didn’t we deserve it? Perhaps. But they didn’t have to give it to us. And you wonder why Philly usually gets passed over for this stuff.

One million people are expected to “descend” on the Parkway for the Live 8 concert this weekend. That means that there are some people out there who want to see this show -– some of them are coming a long way to see this show, too. If you’re not one of the excited million, please, please don’t go. Stay home, listen to Frank Sinatra or Blink-182 or Insane Clown Posse or whoever you’d rather listen to. But don’t be a waste-of-space on the Parkway. And if, for some reason, you find yourself on the Parkway despite your best efforts, try to have fun. And don’t haggle the performers. It’s rude. Besides, we all saw the “Vote or Die” episode of South Park. You don’t want to piss P. Diddy & Co. off. Consider yourselves warned.